Rough thoughts on proportion and self-respect through recognition of
insignificance and equality
Pressure to do everything
perfectly and appease others may begin as external but will quickly become
internal. This striving for perfection in order to please or satisfy others may
create anxiety, overthinking, overplanning and may lead to self-inflicted
imperfections and perceived inadequacies, occasioning disappointment in how one
is perceived by others and confirming a sense of failure in oneself. Seeking
and focusing on minor defects and self-doubt rather than positive outcomes can
engender feelings of personal incompetence, inevitability and catastrophising.
All of this is predicated
upon the concept of the significance of one’s actions to others, a significance
that is often out of all proportion with reality. Most interaction with others
is transitory, often transactional, and rarely of any lasting significance.
The desire or need to
please or impress everyone you meet is nonsense - people generally use one
another to simply get by in life. Most people you meet will be unimportant to
you, just as you will be inconsequential to most people you meet – the
impression you make will not be retained by most, and even if it is, so what? Why
should their thoughts be important to you? Will you remember these people in
the future? You need to get people and their actions and reactions in
proportion so that you do not allow a fundamentally insignificant interaction
and a desire to please to take on a value and significance they do not warrant.
This exaggeration may lead to an unmerited attribution of superiority to others
and an equally undeserved sense of personal inferiority. Treat others with
respect and be polite but there is no need for anxiety – nature’s rules apply
to us all equally and you have no reason to assume others’ superiority or your
own inferiority. You may not know them, they are unlikely to mean anything to
you and, in any case, based on fleeting and relatively unimportant encounters, they
are unlikely to remember you, just as you need not remember them.
Significance and worth
should be weighed up and not be assigned automatically – do not be swayed by
position or reputation, but rather consider what others say and do and, using
balanced and reasonable judgement, attach the value you think appropriate. Wisdom
may come from even the lowest echelons of life, just as ineptness and ignorance
may spring forth from those in authority and power.
Nor should you allow
yourself to be swayed by the confidence of others. Confidence does not
necessarily imply ability or validity, indeed overconfident and highly assured
people may lack the intelligence or will to recognise their own weaknesses,
failings or poor judgement, so do not assume inferiority to someone who merely
projects confidence. Bear in mind also that this confidence may even be a
façade to obscure their own feelings of inadequacy.
Be yourself. If others
take something positive from your presence or contribution, that is good but it
is up to them, not you. You are not obliged to seek their approval. If you get
on well with someone and the relationship is natural and unforced, then this is
a solid basis for future development. If a relationship is forced and
unnatural, ultimately this is likely to cause friction and it will fail. There
is no need for anxiety as you don’t need to set out to appease others. Be
respectful, give praise where it is due but be willing to recognise what you
consider to be failings in others as well.
Do not try to adapt to
others’ company beyond the norms of politeness and respect. In so doing, you
may be debasing yourself. It is essential to maintain self-respect if a
relationship is to have any lasting value. Bear in mind that we are all in the
same position. We all share fleeting interactions, moments and memories, and we
should treat one another with proportionate respect, and that includes
ourselves.
You do things on your own
terms. You can only be yourself, not a puppet to please others, and it is only
by being yourself that your contribution will have value and you will gain
self-respect. There is no need for anxiety as you are expressing and pleasing
yourself. Do not be unnecessarily hard on yourself and recognise your own worth,
just as you are willing to recognise the worth of others.
My thanks for taking the
time to read these notes. I hope you found them of some value.
Stuart Fernie (stuartfernie@yahoo.co.uk)
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